Middle school was a rough period for me. My family and I moved to the US from Ukraine when I was eleven. I barely spoke English, had very few friends (all Ukrainian) and felt very much like an outsider. Due to my very thick Ukrainian accent and small English vocabulary, I was difficult to understand and soon became afraid of speaking to anyone I did not know, especially my age. It was during this time that “quiet” and “shy” became almost dirty words to me. I despised being called them. In my adolescent mind, these labels quickly translated to “I have nothing important to say” and “There is something wrong with me”.
Unfortunately, I spent years trying to fight against these labels, sometimes saying the worst things at the worst time to prove that I had something to say which then only confirmed my internal suspicions that I was weird and should just keep my mouth shut to avoid embarrassment. At some point the idea that being liked and accepted correlated with being extroverted and chatty deeply ingrained itself in my mind. I worked hard to lose the accent and about five years into my life in the US I started to sound like a native speaker, only occasionally botching an unfamiliar word. I always loved to read and this helped to increase my English vocabulary a great amount in a few short years. Scholarly I was ahead of the game, getting straight A’s and doing better than most children who grew up in the States. But even with these two obstacles removed I still felt extremely inadequate in any unfamiliar social situation and speaking in a group of unknown people was a terrifying thought.
I judged myself in every social interaction, comparing the amount and quality of words I said against what others said. If I came up lacking in my mind, I would often feel down and ashamed that I still did not have much to say or that I said something stupid. I hated this fear and inadequacy of mine with a passion. Life basically became a quest to get value and finally measure up, and I was going to achieve this by becoming a social and outgoing person. Some days I hit the mark, others not so much and the feeling of “I am not enough” would leave me reeling and grabbing at things or people that re-assured me I was ok. I would avoid any large social gatherings if I could help it because I hated how inadequate they often made me feel, especially if I didn’t say enough or get validation from someone. Through much of high school I was reading self-help books, watching testimonies and videos of people who experienced something similar, praying and looking for a deliverance from this fear and shame that for a time consumed my life and thoughts. I was desperately hoping that in one magical moment something would happen or my mind would “click” (I somewhat realized that my thinking was the problem) and I would be set free.
After I graduated high school I moved to CA to attend ministry school, also in hopes that I would change. Being thrown into a completely unfamiliar community, living with eight other girls, I was pushed to develop social skills I didn’t have before. I felt the urgency to make friends quickly, otherwise, I felt I would end up alone. This led to many coffee dates and endless hangouts but I learned to make friends (also something I wasn’t previously good at). This gave me a new vision “Having a lot of friends would make me feel I was acceptable.” So I started deriving my value from how many friends I had and how frequently I had social plans, because maybe if enough people thought I was alright, I finally would be.
It was during this time that I very vaguely started seeing the truth of the matter. At ministry school, I learned that many people live believing lies about themselves and God, thus living blind to the truth of who they are, essentially striving for needless things all their life. I realized that there are probably lies I am believing about my identity and I started identifying some of them. As we were taught about the power of our words, I inconsistently started doing various declarations like “I am valuable to God”, “I am free because the truth has set me free”, “I am loved regardless of anything I do” and so on. The truth slowly started seeping in, but although mentally I started realizing that I was ok because “God said so”, I did not believe it emotionally. I just could not accept myself how I was.
The quest for validation continued because something inside kept saying “There is still something wrong with you”, “You are not acceptable”, “You are awkward, boring and with nothing important to say.” As a result of these ingrained internal beliefs I would often find myself in situations that affirmed that, because our brains are always looking for patterns and focusing on proving what they already know to be true. During my second year of living in CA I discovered dating. I knew enough by this point (at least mentally) that no man could give me value and “it should only come from God” but my behavior certainly didn’t reflect that. For about a year I was on a roll of going from one guy to another after a couple dates, either finding a reason not to continue dating them or pushing them away with neediness if I actually liked them. The ease if getting dates and male attention, however, gave me another dose of validation I so craved. During this time my confidence grew a bit (through external validation and better social skills) and I was doing everything I could to hide the scared shy little girl inside, who did not know who she was. Sometimes she would come out accidentally, often when I ended up in a threatening social situation, and I would desperately try to make her disappear. At this time I was seeking validation through whatever I could: the amount of friends I had, the amount of plans I made, my ability to get jobs easily (I had about 20 in four years but that’s another story), the amount of guys who were interested, etc. If I didn’t get a dose of validation at least every couple days, I’d start feeling down. I should say that during this time I did not have a clear picture of what was going on, but I did often feel like something needed to be fixed and although the anxiety wasn’t as severe as it was in high school, it kept occasionally coming up. I do believe that God was working in me through that time, slowly changing my perception of myself and occasionally I did come to Him for comfort and validation but not nearly as often as I should have.
After two years of living in CA, I came back to SD, bringing many of the unhealthy behavior patterns with me. I still constantly looked to people to tell me I was acceptable, that I had value. It wasn’t until after I basically suffocated a certain relationship I really wanted to have, with this internal neediness that I realized fully what was going on. After he broke it off I knew I was doing something wrong, I just couldn’t quite capture what so I started researching. Eventually I stumbled upon a certain You-tuber named Dalexis (whom I highly recommend) who gives relationship and life advice. After listening to him for a couple weeks, everything I knew finally came full circle. For years I have been searching for validation and acceptance from external sources when I should have been looking inside!!! It really hit me that “I was already okay” and all I needed to do was accept that. The shy little girl inside didn’t need to be hidden, she just needed to be accepted and the only lasting sources of validation are my heavenly Father and myself. The rest of it- is always subject to change. I believe that “mind click” I’ve been looking for- finally happened for me. So I decided then and there to accept myself, no conditions, just how I am, to finally believe that I was valuable and worthy of love simply because I am a person and my Creator said so.
The biggest “click” for me was to realize that much of what I was doing wasn’t because I wanted to do it but because I was seeking validation. I finally accepted that I am a social introvert and I don’t need to try and be an extrovert anymore. I accepted that I have flaws but I don’t need to hide them. I accepted that sometimes there is nothing I want to add to certain conversations and I am still okay. I realized that I am not any more or less valuable than any other human being in this world and what I have to say matters!! I started enjoying being alone without the anxiety of needing to have future plans or needing to be around people a certain amount of time to feel okay (this one is still a work in progress). I am now more comfortable just being silent with friends (silence used to make me extremely uncomfortable and still working on this one too). I am more content with where I am at, without needing to get to the next step. I am more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, and when fears come up I try to run through them instead of away (future post topic). The neediness didn’t just completely disappear but it’s gradually fading. There are moments when I still notice it come up, but now instead of jumping at the quick fix (texting that person or making plans to go out) I acknowledge how I am feeling and turn inward and heavenward to receive the needed acceptance. Realizing the truth really does set you free. Self-acceptance and self-love are a journey, sometimes a slow progress and sometimes not a pleasant one, but it’s better to go on this journey than to seek validation and love externally all your life, the sooner the better!
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)
Forever 22 